


One that Knows the Law (Go To)

by DaughterofProspero



Category: Much Ado About Nothing - Shakespeare, SHAKESPEARE William - Works
Genre: Birds, Chickens, Comedy, Humor, POV Third Person, Police, Slice of Life, Stupidity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-14 10:53:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5740954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaughterofProspero/pseuds/DaughterofProspero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I am a wise fellow, and, which is more, an officer,<br/>and, which is more, a householder, and, which is<br/>more, as pretty a piece of flesh as any is in<br/>Messina, and one that knows the law, go to; and a<br/>rich fellow enough, go to; and a fellow that hath<br/>had losses, and one that hath two gowns and every<br/>thing handsome about him."</p>
<p>A morning in the life of Constable Dobgerry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One that Knows the Law (Go To)

It is 5:43 in the morning and Dogberry is ready.

Dogberry is always ready. The day some ass-head of a criminal catches him off-guard is the day Messina falls.

Trusty lanthorn by his bed (unlit as not to cause fires, he’s not stupid), baton under his pillow (he’s trained himself to always sleep with one arm grasping the end) proof of identification (in his shirt pocket, pants pocket, nightshirt special-made-pocket, desk drawer at home, desk drawer at the station, under his mattress, and two hidden in the chicken coop for emergencies), and an infallible internal clock: The essentials.

At 5:43 every morning exactly the leader of The Watch wakes up alert, and on guard. He pretends to sleep for another two minutes in case some ne’er-do-well is in the room with him and then to catch said intruder off guard, screams, pounces off the bed, and lands with the grace of a club footed wildebeest on the floor. As of yet, no one’s dared to burgle him.

Once he’s sure the house is secure, he goes outside to check on his chickens. Messi, Na, and Governor seem to be doing well, peacefully resting. He takes two eggs from underneath Dogberry Jr., pats Lanthorn on the head and goes to make himself breakfast.

He’s always found the smell of eggs in the morning invigorating. Eggs and toast: The staple diet to any constable worth his salt. Normally, he’d scramble his eggs, or hard boil them. But today…today is an occasion – an occasion of the special variety and so, reaching into his pantry for some extra ingredients, Dogberry fixes himself a cheese and mushroom omlette.

A nudging at his leg from under the table tells him his companion is up. Dogberry lowers a second plate of omlette onto the ground and the nudging stops, now replaced with a satisfied gobbling and snarfling of breakfast. Leonato finishes before he does, as per usual: Turkeys can be impatient but Dogberry takes it in stride. He’s reared his pet since it hatched some six years ago. It had taken some time to think of a name, but when he was given the honour of meeting his esteemed governor Signior Leonato _in person_ , there was no other option. So Leonato the Turkey was Christened.

Sensing the excitement, Leonato squawks and rustles his feathers in support of his human friend. Dogberry, touched by the affection, reaches into his pantry again, and throws Leonato a handful of hickory nuts as a treat. He clears the plates, gets dressed, places Leonato on guard duty, and sets off for the station. It’s not a long walk, and Dogberry enjoys it, his lanthorn swinging rhythmically at his hip. He arrives earlier than usual due to a spring in his step but upon stepping through the doorway he masks anticipation with steely professionalism. Such are the burdens of constabulary life: Professionalism above all. Hugh Oatcake and George Seacole scramble to their feet as he enters, hardly able to contain their eagerness. One of the reasons _he_ is the leader of their special division.

“Where are the vagroms?”

“In cell one, sir!” Chirps Seacole.

“Is the Sexton present?”

“In the break room, sir!”

“I offered him a refreshment!” Oatcake chimes in, not to be outdone by his compatriot.

“Excrement work, you two.” The watchmen beam

“Now: Are we ready to get…a confection?”

“Ready, sir!” Chorus his staff. “A-are you, sir?” Asks Oatcake, in awe of the constable’s cool head.

“Of course, my man. Of course.”

Dogberry is always ready.

**Author's Note:**

> Here's a change: Something comedic!  
> As much as I'd dearly love to take credit for "Leonato the Turkey", that was something our Dogberry came up with in rehearsal and I fucking loved it. Credit to Ben. (The chickens were mine though. I'm proud of the chickens :P.)  
> Was this entire little piece based solely around the idea of Leonato the Turkey?  
> Maybe.
> 
> Malapropisms:  
> *Vagroms = Vagrants (from the script)  
> *Excrement = Excellent   
> *Confection = Confession
> 
> Dogberry I love you, you beautiful, confused noodle.
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


End file.
